things you do at a coffee shop: buy coffee. dick around on the internet. hang with friends
things you do not do at a coffee shop: sit down next to the girl with her headphones in and start talking to her
allow me to elaborate
it’s 12:45. the office internet is spotty, and i have a very important webinar to watch about a product release. my boss gives me permission to go to the nearby coffee shop. i go to the coffee shop, order my coffee, and settle myself at a table. there aren’t many tables in this particular shop, so i have every expectation that someone will probably end up sitting with me sooner or later.
popping in my headphones, i load up my webinar. it begins.
and then HE ARRIVES. he orders coffee. i must have made eye contact (MY MISTAKE) because once his coffee is in hand (probably a latte, he looked like someone who would want 66% of his drink to be steamed milk instead of pure caffeine) he sits at my table. not across from me, even, but next to me.
i give the universally polite closed-lipped smile of acknowledgment. “hello. i see you’ve decided to sit at this table. this is me acknowledging that, and now this is me going back to my webinar.”
if things had stopped there, we would not have a story. it is a terrible story. strap yourself in.
so there’s me, sitting with my headphones on, watching my webinar. the speaker is discussing versioning in the new release.
i hear a faint noise. i look up at the dude. he smiles. i pop a bud out of my ears. “hey,” he says.
“uh, hi,” i say, and i turn back to my webinar.
“what are you watching?”
my hand pauses. “webinar for work,” i say, flashing him that tense please shut up i’m busy smile.
“what do you do?”
look, dude, i get that you’re interested in a conversation, but i am fucking working. but i’m also nice, so i say “look, this is really important, so i–”
“sure sure, but what do you do? what kind of webinars are you watching?”
THE KIND THAT REQUIRE MY FUCKING ATTENTION BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT A NEW ROLEOUT FOR SOFTWARE THAT I USE FOR A CRITICAL OPERATION AT MY OFFICE AND WHEN IT INEVITABLY BREAKS UNDER THESE UPDATES, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT AREAS OF THE SOFTWARE ARE MOST LIKELY TO BREAK THAT’S THE FUCKING WEBINAR I’M WATCHING
“ones for work.” i put my ear bud back in my ear.
i look away.
surely surely this will deter my new friend
i should be so fucking lucky. he starts talking about his start up. i turn up my volume. he leans into my space. i take out my ear buds to tell this guy i really can’t talk, and at the same time i frantically make eye contact with one of the baristas.
“i think you’d like my assets,” he says.
the barista disappears
there is no hope left in the world. all is barren and ice. dude continues to talk. i try to watch my webinar, ignoring him. i’m typing at the same time. he has to know i’m not paying attention to him.
he continues talking. i cut him off. “look, i’m very busy right now.” i wait just a second. he shows no interest in leaving. “i’m also very gay.” he scoffs. “you’re too pretty to be gay.” and the back of my head must have blown off and splattered on the windows behind me because what the fucking fuckity fuck bro
THEN SUDDENLY LIKE A BOLT OF HEAVENLY LIGHT IN THE MIDST OF A DARK AND TERRIBLE STORM THERE APPEARS THE BARISTA FOLLOWED BY SOMEONE IN A SUIT like who the fuck wears a suit at a coffee shopBUT THER E IS SUIT MAN AND HE IS MAGNIFICENT AS HE DESCENDS LIKE A DARK AVENGER ON MY TABLE
“is there a problem,” my beautiful dark avenger of holy fury asks
“of course not. she asked me to join her–” I DID NO SUCH FUCKING THING ALSO WHO THE HELL LIES LIKE THAT. i stare at him, agape, floored by the presumption.
the avenger turns to me. “did you do this, ma’am?”
“no,” i say, aghast, horrified, still too stunned to formulate a particularly scathing put down
the avenger turns to the bro. “i have to ask you to leave, sir.”
“buy we’re just talking!” bro says
“sir. you have. to. leave.”
“i’m just trying to get to know her!”
“it’s pretty obvious that she doesn’t want to know you.”
and then the manager escorted the dude outside and stood there until he crossed the street and i (having survived my very own coffee shop au) went back to my webinar which was now on the topic of mobile push notifications
The name of this cafe needs to be immortalized for the benefit of all humankind
I love this.