Sep. 9th, 2016

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diana wynne jones moments that Fuckign Kill Me:
- the scene in howl’s moving castle where howl shows up in total disarray and sophie’s like “he must really love ms. angorian :(” and NO SOPHIE. HE REALLY LOVES YOU.
- the bit in charmed life where janet is the FIRST PERSON EVER to even NOTICE how fucked-up cat’s demeanor is and she probably KNOWS it’s all gwendolen’s fault and just want to protect this smol child that nobody has ever really cared for since his parents died
- the fact that cat, extremely powerful nine-lived enchanter, uses his Super Powerful Enchanter Magic to. get the horse chestnuts to ripen. what a wonderful darling.
- nan and estelle. BEING FRIENDS. also “oh goody! i’m a witch!” estelle my wonderful child
- fuckign calcifer.
- sophie realizing how she’s fucking gorgeous actually
- michael and martha. being. fucking adorable.
- cat getting to STAND UP FOR HIMSELF and say “actually no you had no right to keep vital information about me and make me feel like GRABBING SOME DRAGON BLOOD AND HOPPING OVER INTO TH E NEXT WORLD was the only option I had left” . also taking his magic back from gwendolen holy hell.
- characters showing love and agency and thought and using incredible incredible magic and ! Fuck! This woman was a genius and will live in my heart forever!!
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Staying together is more important  than how we stay together.

But what are we giving up to do it?
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This past weekend, several friends and I got to talking about the King Arthur police precedural that Fox is allegedly developing. I only mention this because over the course of this conversation we realized that the ONLY modern-King-Arthur television show that Fox should really be developing is a hilarious reincarnation-based office sitcom, and now I can’t stop thinking about it, so I am going to tell you all about this imaginary sitcom in EXCRUCIATING DETAIL.
My imaginary workplace sitcom is about a struggling nonprofit organization and is probably written by the people who wrote Parks and Rec and Brooklyn 99. Accordingly, it stars Retta and Melissa Fumero:

as Alice and Pam, OFFICE NEMESIS battling nonprofit burnout! and each other!

….UNTIL, in the first episode, they start having flashbacks and eventually realize: they are the reincarnations of, respectively, King Arthur and Lancelot, they are destined to fight evil while being devoted to each other in an epic and legendary way, and weekly budget meetings just got really weird!

Every episode alternates between flashbacks to Round Table efforts to fight evil, provide justice, build a better and more stable society, etc., and current-day office hijinks as the nonprofit attempts to do the same, but with much more paperwork.

As a sidenote, all the flashbacks initially have placeholder white guy actors doing ye olde British accents and speaking forsoothly, except for the person having the flashback, who plays themselves. Once Alice and Pam recognize each other at the end of the first episode, however, every flashback features Retta and Melissa Fumero talking exactly like they would in the office while wearing shining armor.

The rest of the placeholder actors gradually get replaced by actual cast members as further reincarnation reveals occur,


- Donald Glover as the reincarnation of Sir Gawain, ladies’ man and too-cool-for-school tech bro, who’s the only person who knows how to keep the website running!

- Rahul Kohli as the noble reincarnation of King Pellinore, the development manager who is constantly questing after very worthy but COMPLETELY UNATTAINABLE grants!

- Yael Grobglas as the reincarnation of Sir Kay, the long-suffering and sarcastic office business manager who must always be the one to point out they don’t have enough money for their pet project!

- Sandra Oh as the director’s PA, the only person who knows where everything is and keeps the office running and everybody from murdering each other; she of course turns out to be Guinevere!

- and, of course, Jaime Camil as Merlin, the director of the nonprofit, who has been gathering all the Round Table reincarnations together for world-saving purposes all this while!

Merlin is not reincarnated, for the record. Merlin is just Merlin. This is why Merlin is very good at magic and WILDLY INCOMPETENT at being the director of a nonprofit organization.Sample episodes include:

- the episode where everyone is rushing to meet a grant deadline, with flashbacks to PREPARING FOR BATTLE AGAINST THE ROMANS

- the team retreat episode in which Merlin insists everybody do trust falls; in flashbacks, Merlin also insists everybody do trust falls

- the episode in which Donald Glover has to go through ludicrous hoops to install a new open-source software, intercut with the story of Sir Gawain and the Green Knight

- the mid-season love triangle episode, in which a.) the reveal of who is Guinevere, b.) the reveal that Lancelot and Arthur were way more than good buddies, and c.) THE MOST AWKWARD OFFICE MEETINGS YET, FOR EVERYONE

ok so who wants to fund my sitcom now


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strix alba

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